Dear John SERIES

Dear John,

Or not.

It's been the longest January. This is one of the most honest (and perhaps the most embarrassing) notes you'll ever "come across"... I'll skip the intro. You already know.

You once told me that you think I don't know what I want. Well, I do. I want you. But I want more of you. I want you to want more of me. I want you to want to know me. And I mean get to know me. I want time. But I can't demand that. And it makes me mad. Not at you. But at myself. Because I miss you. And I hate it.

I thought I could live with it. But I'm barely hanging on. I end up just lying to you and to myself. And it gets tiring. A box of denial, hesitation, blurry lines, compromise, inconsistencies. All because of the same fear of losing you. Now, isn't that familiar? And why the fear? There are just some things that I can't explain.

But you don't control me. And that's why I'm writing this.

You turned it all around. I hope you're happy now. The heart breaker meets her match. You definitely win. You don't deserve me like I don't deserve you. Don't keep me waiting. You know I don't like to wait. I had fun, that I can't deny. We had fun. But there's more to me, to life and love. That's what I wish you knew. I want a man who makes me feel wanted, adored, special. And right now, that's not you.

I was okay with just havin' fun. But it didn't mean I was okay with you taking me for granted. I got worth. Too bad you still don't know how to hold on to it.

And that's for making me miss you.

Sincerely,

I'd be lying to you and to myself again if I told you goodbye.

We both know that weird indefinable connection stays. So I'll be honest and say that I don't know exactly what to do with you. So, whatever. I guess I'll just end by saying... Have a nice life!

P.S.

Sigh... I just gotta say this.

I miss Star. But I don't want to take it back. So...

I'm still hoping for THE gift. Just sayin'...